In our class discussions this week, we have been trying to define and understand gender, gender roles and sex. Sex, best explained by the character Joseph in the movie Kindergarten Cop as “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina”; by the way, someone of you may not have been born when that movie came out…but I digress.
Unfortunately, gender and gender roles are not that easy to explain. For example, a few months ago on group email from my church a problem arose about a “women’s group”. I attend the Tennessee Valley Universalist Unitarian Church and our congregation has member who are openly transgendered. The problem arose when a “female” gendered member wanted to participate in a female (biological based) group and was told by the leader that since she has been born male, she could not participate; the focus of the meeting had something to do with menstruation. “She” could not participate because “she” did not have a uterus. This brought up an interesting issue for me; did a uterus make one female?
After suffering for nearly twenty years with severe and chronic endometriosis, I had to have a complete hysterectomy shortly after my thirtieth birthday. Now, by all biological aspects prior to my surgery, I was female. I am a heterosexual female, who married my (eventual ex) husband, had given birth to our three children, breastfeed them (until I figured out there is nothing wrong with making daddy bottle-feed at night) who stayed at home until they were all old enough to begin preschool. Though I hate the color pink (if you see me wear it, it is only because my children or parents bought it for me), I wear dresses and skirts, enjoy pedicures (there really are health and well-being reasons to caring for your toes), and must get my hair cut and styled every four weeks; I also have naturally curly hair, so if it gets too thick, I have really bad migraines. My favorite place to shop is Talbot’s and I love taking a nice, hot bath after my children go to sleep. All “girly” things, right? So just because I no longer have reproductive organs and take hormones, does not mean I am any less of a female, or does it?
Then there’s the “male” attributes that I also seem to demonstrate too. For example, in my divorce, I have been called a frigid, relentless bitch that has to be in charge of everything; I am fairly certain though that since my (ex) husband is mentally ill, I can ignore most of that. I do agree with me having more balls that any grown-up male member of my husband’s family, but that too is not a physical attribute, only a values one. I also am the one who scoops up the dead sacrifices that our cats leave as an offering on our door mat, even though I have three boys whose arms work perfectly fine. When my youngest son wants worms or bugs, I am the one helping scoop them up into cool-whip containers for show and tell. As a teenager and young adult, I was expected to work right with the male employees for my parents painting company (and did) and the only exceptions made for me were with regards to using the bathroom; obviously I cannot pee behind a bush. I prefer to wear pants and played sports in middle and high school. I also was on the rifle, skeet and pistols teams and can fire a weapon, though I think hunting animals will only be a sport when they give deer and quails their own guns. I was (and still am) a complete tomboy, and apparently better equipped to handle three rambunctious male children than their father was/is. Actually I thank God most days for giving me male children; the only exception, having to deal with the tween who will not wear deodorant. Does that make me any less of a woman?
What about gender roles themselves. When I was growing up, both my parents required me and my brother to fold clothes, sweep and mop, etc. Both of us had to change our own oil, clean gutters, and I preferred (and still do) to mow the grass, while my brother would chase butterflies. My husband had a maid and nanny; this explains his attitude towards cleaning, it woman’s work and beneath him. However, our children have been and will continue to be raised to clean, cook and care for themselves; I truly believe their wives will thank me. Oops. That too was a gendered comment…
I still have not figured out whether or not having female reproductive organs defines me as a female. I still feel like I did before, before I got married, before I bore three children, a fact that physically widen my hips for the rest of my life, and before I had my hysterectomy. I even still have the stretch marks that helped defined my rite of passage into “motherhood”. I am also definitely still heterosexual; even after all being drug through this painful over two year long divorce, I still have to say I am totally into men, just not *#!holes. I think being male or female with regards to gender, is simply one’s own choice and their ability to maneuver their choice within the confines of their society and culture.
And with that, I am off to wash out my pantyhose to wear tomorrow…